What everybody “knows”
“He can’t have autism. He cares about other people!”
This was actually said by a parent about her child. The worst part of this is the fact that the parent in question actually worked with autistic children.
For many years, there’s been this rhetoric that autistic individuals do not have empathy or a desire for friendship. This is not the case.
There are decades of false assumptions and discrimination inherent in that one remark, and it is a sign of the stigma that haunts autistic people as we try to form relationships. But the stigma is not the only challenge we face.
Missing Social Cues
Autistic people are famous for missing social cues. But people who are not autistic don’t really understand what that looks or feels like. Even after years of interacting with other humans, I still feel like people sometimes speak in code. I’m never sure if someone is just being polite or if they are genuinely interested in what I have to say.
Many of my interactions are based on mimicry. Not words, but I try to read expressions and body language and match them.
I want to have authentic communication with people, and I’m awkwardly, painfully honest, but the ways of speaking and interacting–the looks and tone and body language–those are elusive.
Environmental Stressors
There are so many distractions during social interactions! It can be hard for me to filter out the message for all the “noise” (literal sounds in the background, frequent headaches brought on by lights that are too bright, the exhaustion of trying to maintain some semblance of normalcy).
Most of the time what I perceive in the moment is just the literal meaning of what was said. I have to rely on fragmented memories of the rest to figure out the nuance and connotation later.
We often meet new people in new environments. New environments, even pleasant ones, can be overwhelming to autistic people. I am sensitive to light and, increasingly as I get older, to temperature. For some autistic people, loud noises can cause dizziness and distress.
According to the National Autistic Society, making friends is mostly a matter of finding the right setting or group. They recommend joining as an observer at first, and planning interactions almost down to having a script.
There is some wisdom in this, but it is not always possible. It is also exhausting. Not finding new groups and new people, though, can lead to isolation.
For myself, choosing a new place to go on a regular basis helps me get out into the world and have opportunities for interactions.
I have actually started doing the opposite of the scripted remarks they recommend, however.
I do not set expectations for interacting while I am in a new place. I concentrate on how I am feeling in my body and my surroundings. That helps me to process all the environmental data without feeling pressured to interact or even look for opportunities to interact. It also keeps me from feeling guilty or inadequate if I don’t interact with people right away.
Mental and Emotional Processing
The environment is not the only challenge. Autistic people often have differences in the speed of our intellectual and emotional processing. Our thoughts can (and often do!) race from one concept or internal image to another, while our outer perceptions and the processing of our emotions can take much longer than those of our typical peers.
So while we may be able to hold our own in the ebb and flow of insubstantial conversations, we lag dangerously behind in those that are emotionally charged. It may take hours or days for us to realize how we actually feel about a remark or event, and by then it is difficult to bring it up without sounding like we are holding a grudge or are just plain crazy.
Our expressions and body language can also be difficult to manage in the moment. They do not often reflect the feelings we are experiencing, so people may believe we lack empathy or even emotions.
The only real way to cope with this is to acknowledge it and make the time. Telling others we need some time to process or that we need to break a conversation into sessions may not always be positively received, but it is the only real way to react authentically.
We are not responsible for how our needs are received! We are only responsible for meeting them.
Special Interests
Many people with autism are abysmal at small-talk. We already know what the weather is doing. Getting to know new people is often achieved through the asking of awkward questions and fervently listening in on other conversations. These are not traits that are well-received.
But bring up a topic we are especially interested in, and–actually, don’t do that. Get to know us and like us a little first. Because when we get going on a special interest, it is our turn to be overwhelming.
We will tell you far more than you ever dreamed of knowing. And once we are on a topic, it can be nearly impossible to get us to switch. We are not doing it on purpose.
Sometimes I get carried away by my enthusiasm, but sometimes it is a bit like opening a pressure valve. The words stream out of me and I can hear them, but I can’t seem to stop them or moderate their tone or volume. Afterwards, I’m often ashamed or self-conscious, but the damage has been done.
We are not alone
Autistic people are not the only ones who struggle. Medium.com reports that 45% of adults struggle to make friends. I’ve read dozens of articles about how hard it is for (non autistic) adults to make or maintain friendships.
Here is where we autistic folk may have an advantage: we are loyal friends. We value the people who value us. Because we have so many foibles, we do not judge them in others. Studies have shown that neurodivergent people have a much easier time making and maintaining friendships with other neurodivergent people (but that’s its own blog post!).
So perhaps the biggest problem with social relationships is not an “autistic” problem at all – maybe it’s a human one.
Photo credit: The Gender Spectrum Collection